A Tribute to My Dad

My gorgeous parents.

“He was not being courageous as he bore the freezing stream for his wife and children. He simply chose between the lesser of two evils—the pain and suffering he would endure in the river, a physical pain that he could stand to bear, or the pain and suffering he would feel if he had to watch his family wade across and freeze. It was not a decision. The choice had already been made the moment Ole proposed marriage to his wife and welcomed these beautiful daughters into the world.” 
- Sage Steadman, Upon Destiny's Song 

My parents make a good team, partially because they are different in their outlooks and in their gifts to us.

Mom focused on building my inner strength - she was the strongest advocate for living a prayerful and spiritual life, living with love and detachment, realizing my own capacities, and encouraging potentialities into realities.

Dad focused on the outer life, the challenges of living with integrity in a difficult world, understanding different viewpoints, and our place in this world at large.

When we think of people living in the real world, we think of skepticism and practicalities. What I really admire about my dad though, is that though he is aware of the world around us, he finds real ways of bringing theoretical morality into practice. These range from the little acts of charity that he does with such silence (sometimes even I find out only by accident), to a trust fund he set up with his alma mater.

More than that, my Dad taught me to value myself - to judge myself against my own standards, and not that of the people around me. He taught me to live with integrity, and not be pussied into being a people pleaser. He also taught me to stand up for myself - I would say a large part of my sense of justice, for myself and for others, is derived from my dad. I do recall that defining moment, as a shy, misunderstood 14 year old going through teenage teething troubles, when dad sat me down and told me it didn't matter what other people think, I must not compromise my sense of self. He taught me to straddle the heaven of noble ideals with the earth of this physical world.

“...alas, raising a young lady is a mystery even beyond an enchanter's skill.”  
- Lloyd Alexander

Those were powerful lessons I learnt from Dad, ones that have stuck by me and contribute strongly to who I am today, especially in a time when women are undervalued and under-appreciated. He has also set the bar high for my husband, whom I proudly say, steps up to it with chivalry. Well done husband! And, I love you, Dad.

A Tribute to Daniel's Dad

When I first met Daniel's dad, I was taken by how charming he was, and I saw immediately where Daniel gets his easy charm and cheeky smile from. His dad has always been kind to me, but the most precious thing is the advice he gave Daniel about choosing a wife - make sure she is kind.

When I was growing up, my mother often reminded me that in marriage, one marries not just the person, but the family. I agree with this concept broadly, but I like to believe that it is the impact or influence of our families on ourselves, and our actions following this interaction, that is more important, especially in contemporary times.  In my curiosity to understand both his family and it's impact on him, I would ask him incessantly: about his childhood, the roles his parents played, what he learnt from them, and, very importantly, what they taught him about marriage. Consistently, they stressed the importance of kindness. Just make sure she is a kind person, I am told they would advise him. That, apparently, was the only criteria. 

I appreciate that Daniel values virtue - it gives me a sense of security, knowing that what we seek is a reflection of who we are or who we hope to become. In my experience with him, I would say when put between a rock and a hard place, his decision is always a principled one.

Most of all though, his appraisal of me both humbles and encourages me - that he is able to consistently see such goodness in me. It affirms these qualities in me, in a harsh world where people are always judging, criticizing and diminishing its presence and value. His testimony stands out against their harshness, and helps me through tough times, because he is the person who knows me better than any one else. It intrigues me too, how he must be looking at the world through the lens of kindness. In medicine (my profession), one of the first things we are taught when examining a patient is that we must know what we are looking for: only then will we have a chance of finding it. Knowing it and knowing to look for it are very different things - imagine knowing to look for a needle without actually knowing what a needle is vs. knowing what a needle is and then looking for it. 

To me, who Daniel is today is both a reflection of the enormous effort on his own part, and also that of his parents - once again, the thoughtfulness and sacrifice of parents, and the examples they must have been - much of which I think many of us do not see, and will never understand.

.. and that sight, becomes this art.

How beautiful you are, how beautiful love is.

In your light I learn how to love. 

In your beauty, how to make poems. 

You dance inside my chest where no-one sees you, 

but sometimes I do,

 and that sight becomes this art.

- Rumi

MOMMIES!!

Here we were both giving a token gift to our mums to commemorate the joyous occasion.

"For mothers are the first educators, the first mentors; and truly it is the mothers who determine the happiness, the future greatness, the courteous ways and learning and judgement, the understanding and the faith of their little ones. " - Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l Baha

Daniel and I have known each other for a very long time. We are both very close to our families, and so, respectfully, we introduced each other to our families very early into our relationship. It was important to us that our family knew our special people. 

Much of our time together was also spent in our homes or our natural habitat (gym, school & various gardens, the last one being unwelcome territory to the big guy, who did not enjoy being sweaty outside the gym or having to walk more than functionally necessary after leg day). This resulted in our parents knowing us well, and seeing us grow both in unison and as individuals in the decade or so that we have known each other. 

Strangely enough, although we knew each other's families, and they knew us, our families had not really met much before our engagement. 

It was interesting to see though, how similar our mother's were even from a distance. We are one of the lucky ones - our mother's are pure of heart, innocent of malice, and doing everything they can with everything they know to make sure we are good, supported, loved and encouraged. Of course, nothing and no-one is perfect, but our mother's, without a doubt, put in 1001% of their effort it doing their best for us. They are our fervant supporters, never giving up on us even when we have given up on ourselves, and displaying genuine acts of sacrifice and selflessness in our upbringing; and they are the ones who tell us what we need to hear, the hard words no one else dares say, putting us in our place when it is needed, and teaching us the philosophies that have helped them greatly and brought peace & understanding in their own lives.  

Happy Mom's!! Women of Strength from L-R: D's Mom, M's Mom & Aunty Erzaan (M's mom's best friend)

I remember once, Daniel's mom took us both to the temple to speak to a very nice nun. She was giving us advice on our relationship and marriage, and also sharing some principles of Buddhism. At that point, Daniel mentioned how his mom made him recite the 'Heart Sutra' every day when he was a child; and I recall in my heart thanking her for making him do that. (I also smiled at the thought of little Daniel being made to recite a really long sutra in Chinese - he was a majorly cute kid :)

Interestingly enough, it was our mothers who saw right from the start our love for each other. I remember during lunch at his house many years ago, his mother telling him that she could see that I truly loved him. Similarly, when I was hospitalized, and Daniel came to visit me daily, my mom witnessed and affirmed the love that he had for me, and how happy he made me. She gave us her blessings in marriage long before marriage was even on the cards.

When they finally met, I was really nervous, but they actually got along pretty well. There was no drama and no airs, only kindness and compassion. They would care about each others dietary restrictions (one is Muslim, and the other Buddhist), and give positive encouragement in the fitting rooms - although we spent way too much time at Shanghai Tang. The pink cheongsam mom wears here is actually one that they bought together.

We wanted to do something very special for our mother's, to make the wedding day extra-special for them. It was really hard actually. We are usually creative with our solutions, but this time we felt nothing could truly measure up to represent the love, respect and gratitude we have for our mothers. In the end, we settled on jewelry, as token and a remembrance of this day - an elegant pair of garnet earrings for my mom and a beautiful jade and diamond pendant for his. In the same way that our wedding rings are anchors of this day for us, we hope that when they wear the gifts we got them, it brings them back to that beautiful day in Zurich, filled with so much love and laughter and unity, and they will remember the children who love them so much, that they could find nothing in this world to represent that love.

Thank you moms. We love you super much ♥

The Civil Ceremony

I think I said she looked beautiful when I saw her for the first time in the cheongsam. But the more memorable bit of the conversation went as follows:

She: So what do I get for marrying you?

Me: Sechs...

She: Say what?!

Me: Sechs Kinder.

She: Oh yes, of course. (Or something like that.)

After the gate-crashing ended, we had about an hour to clean up, get dressed and be ready for the civil registration at the Stadthaus (City Hall).

Joining the queue of the other couples ahead of us dressed up in tuxedos and white wedding gowns, was an Indian girl in a cheongsam, and a Chinese boy in a sherwani.

As the civil ceremony started forty minutes behind schedule (a travesty of Swiss efficiency), we were expecting a dour-looking solemnizer who would expeditiously bring us through the due process and then hurry us through the exit. To our pleasant surprise, she took some time to explain the importance of commitment and tolerance in making a marriage work. In addition, she even shared a poem from The Prophet (On Marriage) by Khalil Gibran:

But let there be spaces in your togetherness, 

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. 

Love one another but make not a bond of love: 

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. 

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. 

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

It was from a poem which we had initially wanted to use for our private ceremony. We eventually decided against it because we thought it would appear slightly presumptuous of us to tell our guests on our joyous occasion that we should remember to practice separateness in unity. But for the same message to come from our solemnizer, it couldn't have been more appropriate.

After the sharing of the poem and the exchange of our mutual consent, we finally put pen to paper and became legally married!

"You know the thing we've been doing, hanging out? I want to keep doing that until one of us dies. Let's sign this document here so everyone knows we have an arrangement."

The Waiting Game - Moments Before Registration

My man, relishing his kisses. 

This is one of my favourite photographs of the whole series.

It is interesting to look at ourselves and our situation from a distance. One thing I never noticed before is the expression Daniel makes when I kiss him. He looks blissful, and very happy ♥  I suppose as the person doing the kissing, it is hard for me to notice these things (I am very focused on my job here!) but here it is, finally I see it, and it is a happy surprise.

This was taken at the Stadthaus, where we were waiting for the civil registration to take place.

In the waiting room, with my sisters and beautiful mom  ♥

There were many weddings before us, and in a very un-Swiss-like manner, although we came early, we did have to wait quite a long while after our appointment before the registration took place. Waiting was tiresome, but it was also a sign of compassion in a society that prides itself on punctuality and efficiency. It is good to know when to stick to the rules, when to make allowances for them, and for the rest of us to practice compassion and flexibility. I can imagine it would have been crushing to have a wedding canceled for tardiness, whether or not it was the fault of the couple.

Daniel's very loving mom, with a radiant smile on her face! and my beloved dad, who was very responsible with the documents, alert and deep in thought - I can only imagine what a dad would be thinking, moments before his daughter gets married. 

Our spirits remained high, and not the call asking us about whether we still wanted to have an outdoor ceremony  ("there's a 30 to 70% of rain,do you want to bring the ceremony inside?" - honestly the funniest range I have ever heard of!!) nor the long wait could dampen our joy. I suppose if we hadn't had the waiting game, our kiss might not have been captured either. It is a nice memory to hold, a sweet kiss encapsulating our last few moments together before we were legally married. ♥

A hurry and scurry before the boys came in!

Putting on my beautiful earrings - a precious gift from my father to my mother. when she got married.

The shoe that fits - flown in from HK by the very helpful Delon.

The boys had sportingly gone through their gate-crashing challenges as a team, and now there was a knock on the door. It was time for his last challenge, something he had to do alone - his declaration of love, and his proposal to get married!

This was a period of much excitement! With two mom's and two aunties in the room, all happy, eager and excited, it was a struggle to keep the door closed, and the boys out!

When I had made my cheongsam, the lovely lady who designed it explained to me the art of wearing it.. slowly and carefully, with aid and assistance, tugging and pulling at the right places so that everything fell just so. We repeated this intricate process of dress-wearing many times during all our fittings.. And with the dress in my closet for many months, I had a lot of time to envision the calm of my wedding day, all necessities laid out, slowly and carefully laying myself into the delicate lace.

However, with an eager crew both inside and outside the room, and the general merriment and activity all around, this finesse in the art of dressing for the wedding was an impossibility. So up went the cheongsam, so long as it was zipped, in went the earrings, on went the shoes.. and ta-daa!!

I took a moment to peacefully compose myself.

Ready and Waiting.

Inside, my heart was a-flutter! I was thrilled to finally see him this morning, and curious about what he would think of my dress, which I kept secret from him. I was hoping he would find me beautiful ♥

You know, I don't actually remember what he said about how I looked. Daniel, it would be good if you could remind me ;)

I do remember though, the joy, as the door opened a crack, and in came my handsome man, with his hand-made pipe-cleaner flowers in one hand, a 'husband contract' in another, and a big smile on his face.. which lead to a big smile on mine. And soon, we were surrounded by our loved ones, watching our first glances for the day, and laughing along with us as I continued to tease him, until I finally gave in and said yes to my man ♥ 

I Married a Rich Man

Stud! Look at that swagger!

There is an enlightening saying by Baha'u'llah, in one of his hidden words:

"O SON OF SPIRIT! Noble have I created thee, yet thou hast abased thyself. Rise then unto that for which thou wast created."

It appears to me there has been a mistake. Daniel in his humility thinks I have married a poor man, but I am actually a rich man's wife. 

He is immensely wealthy when you look beyond the coins in his pocket. 

Daniel is one of the kindest, most generous people I know. 

A gentle giant.

He is so accepting and loving, he has the capacity to love and forgive beyond what I thought was possible. 

He is a respectful son, a loyal friend, a responsible brother. 

He is joyful and patient in his courage and his trials.

He lives in the real world, yet remains detached and undefiled by it. Such is the purity of his heart and spirit.

My words do nothing to demonstrate the true character and virtue of this immaculate being.

To put into perspective, these are the words of the Bab, which remind me strikingly of Daniel's actual conduct, especially the emboldened parts:

‘Ye are even as the fire which in the darkness of the night has been kindled upon the mountain-top. Let your light shine before the eyes of men. Such must be the purity of your character and the degree of your renunciation, that the people of the earth may through you recognise and be drawn closer to the heavenly Father who is the Source of purity and grace. For none has seen the Father who is in heaven. You who are His spiritual children must by your deeds exemplify His virtues, and witness to His glory. You are the salt of the earth, but if the salt have lost its savour, wherewith shall it be salted? Such must be the degree of your detachment, that into whatever city you enter to proclaim and teach the Cause of God, you should in no wise expect either meat or reward from its people. Nay, when you depart out of that city, you should shake the dust from off your feet. As you have entered it pure and undefiled, so must you depart from that city. For verily I say, the heavenly Father is ever with you and keeps watch over you. If you be faithful to Him, He will assuredly deliver into your hands all the treasures of the earth, and will exalt you above all the rulers and kings of the world.’ 

So you see, I married a rich man, exalted above the rulers and kings of the world.

The Gate Crashing

One of the games at the gate crashing.

One of the perks of marrying young, before having made any serious money, is that you look (and probably are) too broke for the bridesmaids' party to bother making any attempts at extracting even a pittance from you. The games were pleasantly delightful - for the bridesmaids to watch! We were made to sing, dance, and do whatever else the bridesmaids felt would really make my weaknesses shine through. They say the purpose of gate crashing is to test the resolve and commitment of the groom in wanting to marry the bride. In retrospect, it was perhaps more a test for her than it was for me. After all, if a girl would still marry you despite full knowledge of how bad you are at dancing and singing, I guess it must be true love.

We even had the fortuity of experiencing the traditional straight-laced Swiss hospitality when the hotel manager came up to us and said "Swiss law prohibits guests from emitting noise above 70 decibels". Admittedly I am taking some narrative liberties with his words, but I remain faithful to his message.

A big shout out to Marco, Shank, and Albert for being such great sports during the gate crashing!

A Trinket

A very special ring box

While waiting for my sweetheart of a husband to gather his thoughts (his last post melted my heart ♥ ), I will take this opportunity to share a little trinket from the wedding.

This is our ring box. It's beautiful, and meaningful to me for it once belonged to my grandmother.

We were all very close to her, and I especially felt like she was my kindred spirit. She was also very generous, and in possession of many small but beautiful things. This box was one of those things, that I inherited from her.

When I lost my grandma, I lost the only person I felt truly understood me. Strangely enough, on one of our first dates, a few years after she had passed on, I somehow trusted Daniel with the knowledge of her. Imagine, sitting by the pool under the stars, sharing a drink with this very handsome man whom you barely know.  Then, for no apparent reason, you feel compelled to talk to him about your grandmother who passed away 2 years ago. It was strange, very unromantic, and I still don't quite understand why I spoke about it. I called him after to apologize for the potential awkwardness, but it was also special in its own way. It felt like closure to me. I suppose it was also a sign of my trust for him, sharing with him my intimate but hidden thoughts.

I still miss my grandma, especially at important moments like these ones. Reassuringly, mom once told me that Mamaji (what we called her) would have loved Daniel.

Naturally, I was looking for a way to honour her at our wedding. I had so wished that she would have been there with us. This ring box, keeping together the physical anchors that would remind us of this very sacred moment, was it.

See the rosemary lining the box? That is a remnant of the efforts of the nimble-fingered Liyana, who patiently twirled rosemary twigs into little rings that encapsulated our menu cards. It smelled delicious, and looked beautiful, but was ridiculously hard to make! I was very grateful for the effort and sacrifice she undertook, to make the day a beautiful one. Looking back, the memory of our 3 person production line, sitting on the floor of my hotel room scattered with gold thread, wire and rosemary, is worth more to me than the impressive product itself. I'm glad we did it, although I probably won't do it or ask for it to be done again. It was one of those telling moments that is so easy to overlook, but is actually a huge testament to love and friendship - that a friend, jet-lagged and tired with a thousand other things to also do and places to be, would sacrifice and do for you - for friendship and for love. Thanks Li ♥

A Second Hello - the Backstory

My better half.

I'm not sure where to begin without repeating some of the introductory points about our wedding already raised by Mirriam. So while I figure out how to continue from her blog post, I thought I would share a little story about us.

I knew I had found a keeper when, amongst many other things, she decided (despite all the money in the world I did not have) to eschew a diamond engagement ring in favour of a pledge to donate its equivalent value to a charitable cause that we both feel strongly for. We wanted to honour our joyous occasion not with a stone that would adorn her finger, but with an act which we felt would be in accordance with the values we both aspire to live by - as individuals, and even more so in unity, to leave the world a slightly better place than we found it.

To Mirriam: I like you oh-so-very-much. You really are my favourite (and only) wife.

So here she is, my better half.

Getting Dressed

Mom, Me and Corrie - getting pretty!

This is me, my beautiful mom and the lovely Corrie, in the wee hours of the wedding morning.

The run up to the wedding day was exciting,  but also very stressful. As the day drew near, we were actually glad that it would soon be over. and that we could proceed with the real reason for the wedding - marriage life. We were trying to focus on the marriage, not the wedding, but there was also so much to do that really consumed us. Then there was the factor of distance and time-difference, liaising between Zurich and Singapore, and because the wedding party was really small, we did not have a large group of bridesmaids and groomsmen to help us along. We were blessed however with my dearest friend Liyana (a true angel) and Daniel's reliable best man Shank, who were both instrumental in our relationship and our lives over the years, and now instrumental also in our wedding. (As Li quipped, "I would do anything for you, except kill people". Thus is the depth of her love.). We were lucky also for Daniel's kind colleagues, who went out of their way to help us out.  

We were keen to make the ceremony, small and simple as it was, as meaningful and spiritual as possible. Our  program consisted mainly of song, prayer, poems and speeches. A few of these were to be recited by us.. and we had only begun to memorize these the night before the wedding. I recall it being close to midnight, Daniel tired from his multiple runs to the airport to welcome friends and relatives, and Liyana and I busy preparing the menu cards and program booklets in the day. As everyone went to bed, we realized it was now or never -- time to memorize a poem, and 2 prayers at the proverbial eleventh hour. We decided it would be way more fun doing this together even if it meant staying up later, so he stayed longer than he planned, and, armed with hope and determination, that's what we did.

Daniel had a speech he was meant to write that he never got to doing.. Everytime I asked, he told me he would 'speak from the heart'. I asked him as usual one day, and to my surprise he told me he wanted to sing a particularly funny song, entitled, If I Married a Strange Person (apparently the strange person is him). So we put him down for it.. and learning a song was now also down on the list of things to do the midnight before the wedding.

It was fun though. Tired, but in love, we sat on my bed, memorizing and reciting together.. laughing at the hilariousness of the situation, the funny moments when we got the words wrong, and the general adorableness of my future husband learning to sing the night before his wedding.

I remembered then to ask a light-hearted question that I always ask him.. "Let's get married!! Tomorrow??"; this time the answer was "Yes!" and we actually got married the next day, which was pretty awesome.

We could have just stayed up all night actually, I just could not sleep.. when I finally did, I awoke in excitement at 5 a.m. I felt in high spirits, running around, knocking on my parents door (they were still asleep..), making myself comfortable in their bed, announcing that I was getting married that day, mom being reassuring and dad being funny - pretending he did not know. It was a happy, high energy morning :)

Corrie, my make-up artist, came later that morning, and she was such a blessing to have around. She was sweet, gentle and kind, and worked with such love. There is a saying, that work done in spirit of service is prayer - and I would say she encompassed that quite perfectly. She felt like a kindred spirit too - our stomachs made matching borborygmy sounds in spite not being hungry (it was nice to have someone around who could understand that..), we had a penchant for the warmth of the sun, and, romantic as ever, we both understood how some people were just worth the lengths we went for love ♥

Our beautiful mothers got their hair and make-up done elegantly, followed by myself. I remember the Corrie making me do the no-tooth lipstick smile, (which got laughter from me & Li for reminding us of someone!), the strange-smelling hairsprays and the difficulty keeping my eyes open to put the eyeliner on. More than that though, I recall the sounds of the boys on the corridors as they tried to succeed at the gatecrash. I call it the Bully the Boys ceremony, and it was one of my favourite parts of the wedding! (I highly recommend this ceremony to people of all cultures.) I could hear them harmonizing songs from The Lion King to animal noises, and dancing in the corridors.. and I excitedly shared this with Corrie as she very calmly twirled my hair and worked her magic on me. I exercised great self control to not run out of the room and join them!!

And thus began a very joyful day, the first of many in our married lives together ♥

A first hello!

Dear Friends,

Daniel and I met each other a decade ago - a chance meeting brought us together, and we have been inseparable since. He has been my best friend & confidante, and not too long ago, we decided to unite in the sacred bond of marriage. We had a small ceremony last July in a little village beside Lake Zurich, and we would like to share this special moment with those whom we love.

Please have patience with us - as we share our photographs, we would also like to share our thoughts and feelings, so we may take a little time!

Love,
Mirriam

Marriage, A Fortress of Well-Being

And when He desired to manifest grace and beneficence to men, and to set the world in order, He revealed observances and created laws; among them He established the law of marriage, made it as a fortress for well-being and salvation, and enjoined it upon us in that which was sent down out of the heaven of sanctity in His Most Holy Book. He saith, great is His glory: “Marry, O people, that from you may appear he who will remember Me amongst My servants; this is one of My commandments unto you; obey it as an assistance to yourselves.”

—Bahá’u’lláh