A Tribute to My Dad

My gorgeous parents.

“He was not being courageous as he bore the freezing stream for his wife and children. He simply chose between the lesser of two evils—the pain and suffering he would endure in the river, a physical pain that he could stand to bear, or the pain and suffering he would feel if he had to watch his family wade across and freeze. It was not a decision. The choice had already been made the moment Ole proposed marriage to his wife and welcomed these beautiful daughters into the world.” 
- Sage Steadman, Upon Destiny's Song 

My parents make a good team, partially because they are different in their outlooks and in their gifts to us.

Mom focused on building my inner strength - she was the strongest advocate for living a prayerful and spiritual life, living with love and detachment, realizing my own capacities, and encouraging potentialities into realities.

Dad focused on the outer life, the challenges of living with integrity in a difficult world, understanding different viewpoints, and our place in this world at large.

When we think of people living in the real world, we think of skepticism and practicalities. What I really admire about my dad though, is that though he is aware of the world around us, he finds real ways of bringing theoretical morality into practice. These range from the little acts of charity that he does with such silence (sometimes even I find out only by accident), to a trust fund he set up with his alma mater.

More than that, my Dad taught me to value myself - to judge myself against my own standards, and not that of the people around me. He taught me to live with integrity, and not be pussied into being a people pleaser. He also taught me to stand up for myself - I would say a large part of my sense of justice, for myself and for others, is derived from my dad. I do recall that defining moment, as a shy, misunderstood 14 year old going through teenage teething troubles, when dad sat me down and told me it didn't matter what other people think, I must not compromise my sense of self. He taught me to straddle the heaven of noble ideals with the earth of this physical world.

“...alas, raising a young lady is a mystery even beyond an enchanter's skill.”  
- Lloyd Alexander

Those were powerful lessons I learnt from Dad, ones that have stuck by me and contribute strongly to who I am today, especially in a time when women are undervalued and under-appreciated. He has also set the bar high for my husband, whom I proudly say, steps up to it with chivalry. Well done husband! And, I love you, Dad.

A Tribute to Daniel's Dad

When I first met Daniel's dad, I was taken by how charming he was, and I saw immediately where Daniel gets his easy charm and cheeky smile from. His dad has always been kind to me, but the most precious thing is the advice he gave Daniel about choosing a wife - make sure she is kind.

When I was growing up, my mother often reminded me that in marriage, one marries not just the person, but the family. I agree with this concept broadly, but I like to believe that it is the impact or influence of our families on ourselves, and our actions following this interaction, that is more important, especially in contemporary times.  In my curiosity to understand both his family and it's impact on him, I would ask him incessantly: about his childhood, the roles his parents played, what he learnt from them, and, very importantly, what they taught him about marriage. Consistently, they stressed the importance of kindness. Just make sure she is a kind person, I am told they would advise him. That, apparently, was the only criteria. 

I appreciate that Daniel values virtue - it gives me a sense of security, knowing that what we seek is a reflection of who we are or who we hope to become. In my experience with him, I would say when put between a rock and a hard place, his decision is always a principled one.

Most of all though, his appraisal of me both humbles and encourages me - that he is able to consistently see such goodness in me. It affirms these qualities in me, in a harsh world where people are always judging, criticizing and diminishing its presence and value. His testimony stands out against their harshness, and helps me through tough times, because he is the person who knows me better than any one else. It intrigues me too, how he must be looking at the world through the lens of kindness. In medicine (my profession), one of the first things we are taught when examining a patient is that we must know what we are looking for: only then will we have a chance of finding it. Knowing it and knowing to look for it are very different things - imagine knowing to look for a needle without actually knowing what a needle is vs. knowing what a needle is and then looking for it. 

To me, who Daniel is today is both a reflection of the enormous effort on his own part, and also that of his parents - once again, the thoughtfulness and sacrifice of parents, and the examples they must have been - much of which I think many of us do not see, and will never understand.

.. and that sight, becomes this art.

How beautiful you are, how beautiful love is.

In your light I learn how to love. 

In your beauty, how to make poems. 

You dance inside my chest where no-one sees you, 

but sometimes I do,

 and that sight becomes this art.

- Rumi

MOMMIES!!

Here we were both giving a token gift to our mums to commemorate the joyous occasion.

"For mothers are the first educators, the first mentors; and truly it is the mothers who determine the happiness, the future greatness, the courteous ways and learning and judgement, the understanding and the faith of their little ones. " - Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l Baha

Daniel and I have known each other for a very long time. We are both very close to our families, and so, respectfully, we introduced each other to our families very early into our relationship. It was important to us that our family knew our special people. 

Much of our time together was also spent in our homes or our natural habitat (gym, school & various gardens, the last one being unwelcome territory to the big guy, who did not enjoy being sweaty outside the gym or having to walk more than functionally necessary after leg day). This resulted in our parents knowing us well, and seeing us grow both in unison and as individuals in the decade or so that we have known each other. 

Strangely enough, although we knew each other's families, and they knew us, our families had not really met much before our engagement. 

It was interesting to see though, how similar our mother's were even from a distance. We are one of the lucky ones - our mother's are pure of heart, innocent of malice, and doing everything they can with everything they know to make sure we are good, supported, loved and encouraged. Of course, nothing and no-one is perfect, but our mother's, without a doubt, put in 1001% of their effort it doing their best for us. They are our fervant supporters, never giving up on us even when we have given up on ourselves, and displaying genuine acts of sacrifice and selflessness in our upbringing; and they are the ones who tell us what we need to hear, the hard words no one else dares say, putting us in our place when it is needed, and teaching us the philosophies that have helped them greatly and brought peace & understanding in their own lives.  

Happy Mom's!! Women of Strength from L-R: D's Mom, M's Mom & Aunty Erzaan (M's mom's best friend)

I remember once, Daniel's mom took us both to the temple to speak to a very nice nun. She was giving us advice on our relationship and marriage, and also sharing some principles of Buddhism. At that point, Daniel mentioned how his mom made him recite the 'Heart Sutra' every day when he was a child; and I recall in my heart thanking her for making him do that. (I also smiled at the thought of little Daniel being made to recite a really long sutra in Chinese - he was a majorly cute kid :)

Interestingly enough, it was our mothers who saw right from the start our love for each other. I remember during lunch at his house many years ago, his mother telling him that she could see that I truly loved him. Similarly, when I was hospitalized, and Daniel came to visit me daily, my mom witnessed and affirmed the love that he had for me, and how happy he made me. She gave us her blessings in marriage long before marriage was even on the cards.

When they finally met, I was really nervous, but they actually got along pretty well. There was no drama and no airs, only kindness and compassion. They would care about each others dietary restrictions (one is Muslim, and the other Buddhist), and give positive encouragement in the fitting rooms - although we spent way too much time at Shanghai Tang. The pink cheongsam mom wears here is actually one that they bought together.

We wanted to do something very special for our mother's, to make the wedding day extra-special for them. It was really hard actually. We are usually creative with our solutions, but this time we felt nothing could truly measure up to represent the love, respect and gratitude we have for our mothers. In the end, we settled on jewelry, as token and a remembrance of this day - an elegant pair of garnet earrings for my mom and a beautiful jade and diamond pendant for his. In the same way that our wedding rings are anchors of this day for us, we hope that when they wear the gifts we got them, it brings them back to that beautiful day in Zurich, filled with so much love and laughter and unity, and they will remember the children who love them so much, that they could find nothing in this world to represent that love.

Thank you moms. We love you super much ♥

The Civil Ceremony

I think I said she looked beautiful when I saw her for the first time in the cheongsam. But the more memorable bit of the conversation went as follows:

She: So what do I get for marrying you?

Me: Sechs...

She: Say what?!

Me: Sechs Kinder.

She: Oh yes, of course. (Or something like that.)

After the gate-crashing ended, we had about an hour to clean up, get dressed and be ready for the civil registration at the Stadthaus (City Hall).

Joining the queue of the other couples ahead of us dressed up in tuxedos and white wedding gowns, was an Indian girl in a cheongsam, and a Chinese boy in a sherwani.

As the civil ceremony started forty minutes behind schedule (a travesty of Swiss efficiency), we were expecting a dour-looking solemnizer who would expeditiously bring us through the due process and then hurry us through the exit. To our pleasant surprise, she took some time to explain the importance of commitment and tolerance in making a marriage work. In addition, she even shared a poem from The Prophet (On Marriage) by Khalil Gibran:

But let there be spaces in your togetherness, 

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. 

Love one another but make not a bond of love: 

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. 

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. 

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

It was from a poem which we had initially wanted to use for our private ceremony. We eventually decided against it because we thought it would appear slightly presumptuous of us to tell our guests on our joyous occasion that we should remember to practice separateness in unity. But for the same message to come from our solemnizer, it couldn't have been more appropriate.

After the sharing of the poem and the exchange of our mutual consent, we finally put pen to paper and became legally married!

"You know the thing we've been doing, hanging out? I want to keep doing that until one of us dies. Let's sign this document here so everyone knows we have an arrangement."

The Waiting Game - Moments Before Registration

My man, relishing his kisses. 

This is one of my favourite photographs of the whole series.

It is interesting to look at ourselves and our situation from a distance. One thing I never noticed before is the expression Daniel makes when I kiss him. He looks blissful, and very happy ♥  I suppose as the person doing the kissing, it is hard for me to notice these things (I am very focused on my job here!) but here it is, finally I see it, and it is a happy surprise.

This was taken at the Stadthaus, where we were waiting for the civil registration to take place.

In the waiting room, with my sisters and beautiful mom  ♥

There were many weddings before us, and in a very un-Swiss-like manner, although we came early, we did have to wait quite a long while after our appointment before the registration took place. Waiting was tiresome, but it was also a sign of compassion in a society that prides itself on punctuality and efficiency. It is good to know when to stick to the rules, when to make allowances for them, and for the rest of us to practice compassion and flexibility. I can imagine it would have been crushing to have a wedding canceled for tardiness, whether or not it was the fault of the couple.

Daniel's very loving mom, with a radiant smile on her face! and my beloved dad, who was very responsible with the documents, alert and deep in thought - I can only imagine what a dad would be thinking, moments before his daughter gets married. 

Our spirits remained high, and not the call asking us about whether we still wanted to have an outdoor ceremony  ("there's a 30 to 70% of rain,do you want to bring the ceremony inside?" - honestly the funniest range I have ever heard of!!) nor the long wait could dampen our joy. I suppose if we hadn't had the waiting game, our kiss might not have been captured either. It is a nice memory to hold, a sweet kiss encapsulating our last few moments together before we were legally married. ♥

A hurry and scurry before the boys came in!

Putting on my beautiful earrings - a precious gift from my father to my mother. when she got married.

The shoe that fits - flown in from HK by the very helpful Delon.

The boys had sportingly gone through their gate-crashing challenges as a team, and now there was a knock on the door. It was time for his last challenge, something he had to do alone - his declaration of love, and his proposal to get married!

This was a period of much excitement! With two mom's and two aunties in the room, all happy, eager and excited, it was a struggle to keep the door closed, and the boys out!

When I had made my cheongsam, the lovely lady who designed it explained to me the art of wearing it.. slowly and carefully, with aid and assistance, tugging and pulling at the right places so that everything fell just so. We repeated this intricate process of dress-wearing many times during all our fittings.. And with the dress in my closet for many months, I had a lot of time to envision the calm of my wedding day, all necessities laid out, slowly and carefully laying myself into the delicate lace.

However, with an eager crew both inside and outside the room, and the general merriment and activity all around, this finesse in the art of dressing for the wedding was an impossibility. So up went the cheongsam, so long as it was zipped, in went the earrings, on went the shoes.. and ta-daa!!

I took a moment to peacefully compose myself.

Ready and Waiting.

Inside, my heart was a-flutter! I was thrilled to finally see him this morning, and curious about what he would think of my dress, which I kept secret from him. I was hoping he would find me beautiful ♥

You know, I don't actually remember what he said about how I looked. Daniel, it would be good if you could remind me ;)

I do remember though, the joy, as the door opened a crack, and in came my handsome man, with his hand-made pipe-cleaner flowers in one hand, a 'husband contract' in another, and a big smile on his face.. which lead to a big smile on mine. And soon, we were surrounded by our loved ones, watching our first glances for the day, and laughing along with us as I continued to tease him, until I finally gave in and said yes to my man ♥